gone for a while

Friends! Friday I will be going to British Columbia for 2 weeks. Tomorrow I have an exam at nine, and then I'll be getting ready for the rest of the day. I'm stoked. As a result of me being in B.C. I'm not going to be updating until I get back (May 11th). Also, if anybody can hook me up with a job, that would be great. I'm looking for something full time for the summer - maybe my readers at the royal bank office can pull a few strings. Email me - ryanalexander@gmail.com if anybody has a lead - I have lots of experience in both clerical work and research.. hook a brother up - In case I die on my trip - I love you all and it's been a pleasure making you laugh - Ryan.

tennis anyone?

Okay, so I'm really sorry it's taken so long to update this. Actually, I'm not sorry at all. I've been busy with exams and I'm not even finished yet. I have my final exam for psychopharmacology on the 28th and I leave for 2 weeks to British Columbia the next day. As I mentioned, I was busy with studying, but more so with apartment tennis. I don't think it needs much of an explanation other than the fact that the net is make-shift (Fight Club poster held up by boxes) and there are not any solid rules - except that when something breaks it must not stop your game. Broken glass can wait, competition between young adult males cannot. So without further adieu, here are some pictures from the championship match.









We decided that Tyler kicked my ass because he broke the martini glass, while I only broke the blind.

i ain't no holla back guy

Yesterday I had an exam from 7-10 which gave me all day to study. I really didn't end up studying too much and instead I was looking at urbandictionary.com and realized that there was a huge deficit in their definitions: there was no information on what a 'holla back girl' is. I realized how critical this definition was: thousands of people may hear Gwen Stefani's song and search to urban dictionary to figure out what a holla back girl is. Think about the confusion that could arise from girls not knowing if they were holla back or not! So anyway I added the definition [here] but they changed my grammar on the second sentence [which kind of pissed me off because it's wrong] but I'm sure any idiot can figure out what is meant by it. I'm especially proud of the names I chose for the example, which in no way reflect ethnicity. I know plenty of white Jermains. And Aishas. In fact my sister's middle name is Aiesha. Now I can say "I wrote the definition of holla back girl", which isn't something a lot of people can do.

Speaking of ethno-specific names, my friend Tricia and I were in educational psychology a few weeks ago where our feminist lesbian black professor* was giving examples from the WISC [A children's intelligence test] and she was throwing out random questions to the class. One of the questions she asked was "what is the definition of dilatory?"; which [obviously] nobody knew. Since the class was all stupid, we asked her and she bitchilly answered "I'm not going to tell you" - which lead Tricia and I to believe she didn't know. It turns out that it means 'slowly', but I assumed Dilatory was the name of a black chick. Think about it. Can't you picture an angry black mother yelling: "Dilatory-Chanel, you get back here! Don't make me throw my shoe at you!". Tricia and I got a good laugh out of it which spawned a heap of cut-eye from Prof. Everyminority, so I think it's a good thing that I turned down the dare to yell out that answer.

In the same class the Prof. made a girl come up and attempt the easiest puzzle ever in front of the class. Seeing how the girl didn't volunteer and the class was pretty big I think that anxiety hindered her performance, but Prof. Everyminority had to make things worse when she finally finished by saying "Clearly Supna isn't very good at this [this being a puzzle intended for 7 year olds] can we have somebody who's actually good at these [read: smart] come up to the front." Tell me that wouldn't be a blow to your self esteem. Without a doubt, she was the worst professor I've ever had the pleasure of pissing off, but the course is over and now all I have are my memories and less a less than spectacular mark.

*I intend on including her in a future post. Let's suffice it to say that she hated me. To be fair, we never confirmed that she was a lesbian [she mentioned ex-boyfriends] but she made a lot of references to her current "partner".

google's all up in your hood

Indulge me for one second and let me tell you how unbelievably unsettling I find this:



Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that's a picture of my apartment that you can now find on Google [just incase you plan on stocking my white-ass I'm not going to tell you which one]. That's right; Google has satellite images available for most major North American cities. Now I'm no conspiracy theorist, but if this is the technology available to your average google-ing moron, what kind of crap does the U.S. government have. Google, with it's elitist one gigabyte storage-spaced G-mail (that you have to be invited to use) and satellite image map-service, is really starting to freak the hell out of me. Google is like that insecure kid from highscool who really wanted you to like them so they kept getting cool stuff; when in actuality it was a thinly veiled attempt to get you to hang out more, coming off as both desperate and pathetic [despathetic!]. Or maybe Google is more like that friend who, despite the fact that you never told them where you lived, somehow managed to get aerial photos of your residence. Stop trying so hard Google; I'll love you for who you are.

think twice before renting a costume...

Just when you think people can't get any weirder they dress up like stuffed toys and hump each other. What, you haven't heard of yiffing? Oh man, where do I start! Some of my friends and I were first introduced to the [absolutely insane] concept of yiffing in an episode of CSI last year. Caitlyn, Amanda, and Gloria were quick to jump on the internet to see if it was actually true [where else would you go to confirm if some really weird sexual act existed?]. So it's true: people do dress up like animals and [while in their costumes] bump uglies. It goes far beyond this too. They have "plushie conferences" and on CSI they had a "fur-pile" - which is basically a mascot yiffing orgy. I can't even begin to fathom how weird this is. Straight, gay, bi, trans-gendered - I get these. What could possibly make somebody sexually attracted to stuffed animals is beyond normal comprehension. When Caitlyn encouraged me to post about this, I knew I needed to find visuals. Thankfully I didn't find anything too horrific, a lot of what I found actually made me laugh to the point that my stomach hurt. Here are a few of the real gems that I found on the interweb:

When I found this picture I tried to describe it to my roommates, but words failed to describe the sexiness of this image. That and I couldn't stop laughing long enough to get two words out.



Did I not mention that they wear pants sometimes? I don't really get it... but then again I don't see why the hell you'd want to have sex with a stuffed animal, so what do I know. Isn't "she" sexy? It makes me want to work on my wolf calls! I love the extra touch of the human-like hair on the head, it makes me all hot!



If I've ever seen a group of guys who should never ever be allowed to touch a tiger, it's this crew. Ladies, I'm going to ask that you hold yourselves back or put on a Simba costume because that's the only way you could land one of these studs. I've got twenty that says they all live in their respective mom's basements - assuming they didn't hack their parents into pieces.



This is another favorite. Considering 'plushie-suits' are more or less for sexual activity, you think having a fifteen foot wingspan would impede your goal. But again, I don't know anything. Fanny packs are weird enough on adults as is, never mind the compounded weirdness of a man dressed in an owl costume wearing one. What could he possibly be carrying in that fanny pack anyway? Something tells me I'd rather not know.

Now that you've been informed of yiffing, welcome to my nightmare. After knowing weirdos get their rocks off on stuffed animals the next time you go to an amusement park or see a team's mascot you'll have the same unsettling feeling as I do. I seriously think there should be some kind of yiffer registry - we need to keep these people out of Disney!

trailer-trash, sad monkey, and oral sex

Happy April fools day! The first of April used to be much more exciting when you were in elementary school. My roommates and I all forgot that it was April fools day until after noon* anyway, but I think we should pull and April fools joke on our building's management and not pay our rent. It would only be fair since they played a little joke on us the entire freaking winter when we had NO control of the thermostat. I'm serious; some days we'd walk in and have to change into shorts, but other times (for days at a time) we would have NO heat and have to wear winter jackets and boots around our home.

*I think the 12:00 thing was just made up by teachers and parents. Give me another 'day' that ends at noon? New years day, Boxing Day, Labour Day... they all end when the next day start.

Wednesday night we had a trailer-trash theme party. [At first we were calling it a white-trash party, but after realizing that we have a lot of black friends, we changed the name] It was great, there were wife-beaters and trucker hats as far as the eye could see. Here's a picture of me looking trashy with my roommate Tyler [he just came home from class, so he doesn't look that trashy]. I don't know why he looks like he's trying to lick my neck, but I can't say I blame him.



Earlier in the week I saw this picture:



and at first I thought, 'that's cute.. a monkey hugging a cat'. As usual the cat looks right-pissed, but that's no surprise, they always look that way to me. But then I looked at the monkey and my mood changed from warm and fuzzy to incredibly depressed. Look at him/her. Why are you so painfully sad monkey? The longer you stare at the picture the worse you feel, so I suggest you stop now.

To cheer you up I'll give you some good news: the same folks that deemed sticking it in the poop-shoot technically not-sex have just given oral the thumb up! Check it out here! My favorite things about it are as follows:

1) The subtitle "the good news about oral sex" because I automatically thought "the gospel of oral sex" - and that made me smile.

2) That benevolence = blowjobs. I've always made this connection in my head, so I'm happy that a website confirms it.

3) All of the arguments for having to swallow. Aren't these just glorified ways of telling girls "it's good for your complexion" and "it's low in fat and high in protein"?

So to the people at sexinchrist.com: First of all, I think it's really weird that you made a site about anal before you made one about oral. I mean, there seems to be a much more logical progression from oral to anal, maybe you were just developing your website alphabetically. Furthermore, can you please update your site and give normal sex the okay already? If missionaries do it, how sinful can a position be? Love in Christ, Ryan.